Hereditary

I watched Hereditary a week ago. Between then and now, I've watched at least four other movies, but the only one I can think of is Hereditary. Holy shit, this movie is INSANE! I can't stop thinking about it, so the only logical thing for me to do is pass this curse on to you all by writing a blog post at 1 am. (Yeah, I know, another film. You know what, I'm a scholar now and I do what I want so don't @ me, Karen *dramatic eye roll*).

Hereditary is so fucking hard to describe without giving it completely away. Ari Aster, the director, was kind of a nobody. He's only directed two other films (I haven't heard of them and, clearly, I am a true connoisseur of film so I know everybody who's anybody around here) but Hereditary seems to be his most notable work. Aster clearly enjoys making movies with that creepy, Twin Peaks/ Lost vibe where something isn't quite right, but it's not really horror. You know that feeling you got when the guys on Lost found the bunker? Imagine that but for two straight hours and then you've basically got Hereditary (except for the last like twenty minutes where shit REALLY goes down).

Hereditary starts off making you think that you're watching a horror movie that's fairly typical. Grandma with bad relationship to her daughter dies, daughter is sad, grandma haunts daughter through daughter's creepy ass kid, the end. Except, this time, the grandma doesn't haunt the daughter. Instead, the daughter's daughter is killed in a horrific accident that decapitates her (Also, I could be wrong about this, but I'm pretty sure hitting your head on a pole while going 90 miles an hour won't decapitate you. I feel like your head would explode, but whatever that doesn't matter. It's a horror movie, stop looking for accuracy, nerd.) For a little while longer, Aster lets you relax. He eases you in slowly. Suddenly, the movie isn't a horror movie, it's a heartbreaking tale of a family being torn apart by two horrific deaths and a mother who just can't cope with all the pain and all the pressure. She's literally falling to pieces: her marriage is falling apart, her son killed her daughter, her mother and her daughter are dead. I'm not going to lie, I bawled during this part. Holy shit, it is heart-wrenching! You feel so bad for this poor woman who is just really, really fucked and has nowhere to turn to!

Then, the movie gets a REALLY strong Rosemary's Baby vibe. Suddenly, the daughter learns she can contact her mother and daughter from beyond the grave, which leads to this whole weird ordeal where she looks into her mother's past and finds out that her mom is part of this weird satanist cult and her son is possessed by the third prince of hell. Things get weird, and then there's an incredible scene where she risks her life for her children. In this scene, she's wearing a bathrobe and holding out her daughter's notebook, filled with creepy drawings of her brother's mutilated face. She has to destroy the book, but destroying the book will destroy her, so she begs her husband to throw the book into the fire. This scene is so incredible, so powerful. She's literally allowing herself to be burned alive in order to save her son, despite the fact that he caused the death of his sister (and he's a little shit but whatever). I've never seen someone beg so profusely or sincerely before than I did in this scene. Toni Collete's facial expressions seemed so sincere, so profoundly anguished and resolute. She deserves a thousand awards for her performance, holy shit. And then, her husband catches on fire.

This is where things get weird. Honestly, I'm not even sure that I can explain the plot from here on out. So much shit happens, and everything changes so quickly! I will say, I saw this movie alone in an empty theater, and I don't think I've ever run out of a theater in a blind panic. I could barely drive home, I literally had to call like three separate people to take my mind off of the horrific stuff I just saw go down. The content wasn't even that scary, there was just this incredible moment where the camera zooms in on the son, Alex Wolff, and it's just his eyes bouncing back and forth, a terrified expression on his face, while someone explains what's just happened and decaying, decapitated bodies bow down around him as if they were alive. I never get scared at horror movies, but this one had me running for the hills.

There's something about the way Aster sucks you in. He makes you think it's a regular horror film, then you think it's just a really sad and heartbreaking story, and then, you're absolutely terrified for your life. Seriously, the horror comes out of nowhere. My favorite part of this film is the question it asks about the way we handle grief. IN this family, no one is able to talk to each other about how they are feeling. No one cries in front of each other, no one holds anyone, there is no comforting, no love, just three individuals pretending everything is fine and normal. The only time they begin to discuss the goings-on, it quickly devolves into a screaming match. It's an interesting commentary on American society, particularly on how (primarily through the invention of things like Instagram) we are constantly trying to pretend everything is absolutely fine. Everything is normal, nothing is wrong, we all live perfect little Stepford Wife lives. Aster sheds light on this concept by showing the mother spin out of control. She can't speak to her husband, which ruins her marriage. She can't speak to her son, so she quietly resents him (leading to a dream sequence where she reveals that she never even wanted to have him, that he was a mistake, and then she kills him), and finally, she falls into insanity. The other fascinating thing about this movie is the way it begins. The mother creates miniatures of things. She has a tiny hospice, a tiny house identical to hers, a tiny crime scene from where her daughter was killed, everything. The movie begins with the miniature house and zooms into the son's bedroom. The entire film occurs inside of this dollhouse, despite the fact that it is never mentioned again. Before I go on with this, listen to Melanie Martinez's song Dollhouse. This song is all about creating a miniature life that is perfect so that no one knows the horrific pains being felt by the "dolls" in the house. Essentially, it furthers this idea of an Instagram life where nothing is ever wrong. I think that's why Aster included this. His movie is about a family in shambles because they never confronted the real ghost in the house. They never confronted the grandmother, they never confronted their grief and pain and misery, so instead, they fell. While they fell apart, they kept going around like everything was fine, everything was entirely normal.

This is an incredible movie, but be warned. You, too, will be haunted by it. You will try to go about your normal life and not confront the unsettled feeling it will leave you with, but eventually (just like the characters in this film) you will have to face it, and you'll have to decide if you hated it or loved it. Honestly, I'm not going to rate this one. I have no idea how I feel about it. I think I love it, but also I hate it and I never want to see it again, so we'll come back to this and see how it goes.

Donnie Darko

Hey everyone!

It's been a long time since I've last posted, but no one actually reads this blog, so does it really matter? Today I want to talk about Donnie Darko. I know it's not a book, but this is my blog and frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
I literally just finished Donnie Darko. Like three seconds ago. This is one of the greatest movies I've ever seen, and I really want to ramble on a little about an interesting motif I found in the movie. In Donnie Darko, Donnie is portrayed as something like Christ. Donnie punishes the bad (lighting Cunnigham's house on fire), has apostles that ultimately abandon him (remember the scene where his two friends run away before Donnie and Gretchen are about to be beat up by the school bullies), and fights off against Satan (being Frank). Donnie also has extraordinary abilities, as demonstrated by his ability to see the motion of an object before that motion has actually occurred. The most glaringly obvious moment occurs when Donnie leaves the theater to go set Cunnigham's house on fire. In an incredibly brilliant scene, the camera pans up to read the marque above Donnie's head. The marquee reads "The Last Temptation of Christ." Directly after this is shown, Donnie follows Frank's last order and burns down Cunnigham's house.
However, Donnie is not fully a Christ character. Part of this is shown in the scene when Donnie is faced with a temptation by Frank (Satan) but does not resist. Unlike Christ, Donnie follows every order given by Frank. Why? Additionally, Frank is not an altogether evil character. Donnie believes that he is going to kill everyone, but we see that Donnie actually kills him before he is able to harm anyone else. Sure, he killed Gretchen, but that was entirely on accident. Ultimately, Donnie does crucify himself to save the world, but he never actually comes back.
So where does that leave us? We have a Christ figure who isn't Christ, Satan who isn't Satan, a plot that is so deliciously twisted, and the sudden desire to rewatch again and again and again in the hopes that some ounce of sense might be found. Also, did any of this really even happen? Was Donnie delusional? This is the kind of movie you could sit and ponder for hours and debate it to death, but there isn't really an answer.
This movie deserves all the pizza.

The Birds and The Bees Float Down Here, Too.

For once, I was not perusing the community library, scanning for something interesting, something that would pop out and scream at me. This time, I had subscribed to a service: Audible (This is not a paid advertisement by Audible and I was not compensated in anyway.) Audible is a monthly subscription service that, for the price of like 15$ a month, allows you to buy 1 free audiobook and unlimited reduced-price audiobooks per month. My first audiobook was free, but I decided that I really wanted to get my money's worth, so I looked for the longest book I could find. Stephen King's novel, IT clocked in at just under 45 hours, so I figured it would be PERFECT! Little did I know, this would be one of the craziest rides ever.

Let me start by saying that this book can be fairly hard to follow. It's long, some of it is fairly useless, but it is all thrilling, exciting, and incredibly well-written. This story follows the life of six kids that attempt to defeat the very embodiment of fear itself.

Honestly, I'm not going to try to explain this book to y'all. It's so long and involved that I'd have to take about 45 hours to explain it, and in the end I'd just play the damn audiobook for you. In short, this story is about six kids who fight the embodiment of fear when they were young, forget about it, return to their hometown as adults, and then fight (and ultimately destroy) the same embodiment of fear. It's a horror book, but in so many ways it wasn't about terror, it was about courage and human resilience. It was about eternal love and hope and fear. Most of all, it was about faith. Seriously, this is a damn fine book.

This will be a shorter post because there is just SO MUCH to focus on, and I have SO LITTLE time, so I'm only really going to focus on one big aspect of the book: sex. Through the novel, each character struggles with sexual desire. The schoolyard bullies would regularly strip down with each other and play, childhood crushes developed, and (most interesting of all,) Beverly's father was terrified of the idea of Beverly losing her virginity and becoming "impure". However, when Beverly does have sex, King portrays it in a very interesting light. It is not the same kind of fling that is found in modern society, it is an everlasting and eternal love. It is used to bind the six kids together for all eternity, making Beverly's father's fear so strange.

In many ways, Beverly's father was not afraid of Beverly having sex, so much as he was terrified of losing Beverly to someone else. He had this unrealistic attachment, he viewed her as his object, not his child, so he abused her and lived in fear that someday, Beverly would fall in love and leave him. He was afraid that Beverly would engage in sex because sex is not just a quick fling, it is not just a short little blip in someone's life, it is an act that binds people together for eternity.

This act also casts the bullies' actions in a strange light. While they never actually had sex, they had a strange phallic obsession while hanging around each other, leading the reader to believe (much like Freud would argue) that these boys had very difficult home lives. These kids were tormented in a way they should not have been, and this is later revealed to the reader as King begins to describe the home life of Henry Bowers. It also resembles their own strange way of bonding. These boys engage in sexual play (reminiscent of that found in Brave New World) and it is through this that they being to bond, not in the usual way children bond through imaginary play. By placing this in his novel, King effectively created a Twilight Zone-esque aura to the friendship of these boys. Something felt amiss, something felt odd, but you couldn't quite place your finger on what exactly was so off about this relationship (besides the fact that these boys were horrible people).

Okay, that's my sermon for today. I think I ought to list off pros and cons now, before I begin to launch into a whole other ordeal.

Pros:
Jeezum Crow this book was good. The characters were amazing, the plot was enthralling, and it had its literary side without sacrificing for entertainment (though I wouldn't mind to see King use a touch more literary influence. I know that he is capable of it!).

Cons:
My real issues with this book are highly technically. I loved his writing style and everything about it, I just had a difficult time managing all these different characters, their backgrounds, their futures, distinguishing between past and present, AND reading all 20 billion pages of this book without forgetting a single detail. If you were to ask me what happened in the first chapter, I would honestly not be able to tell you because there was just so much information crammed into such a little book. Also, at one point, Beverly's husband is supposed to come down to Derry to get her and beat her up, but he never really shows. Maybe I missed something, but that felt like a HUGE plot hole to me.

My Rating:



3 Delicious slices of pizza! It almost got four, but I just couldn't get past the length and confusion! Alright, I'll see y'all next Wednesday at Noon! Be sure to follow me on Twitter, subscribe, and comment below!

Your House is on Fire, Your Children are Gone, and This Title is Long.

Ever since I was a little kid, I have always associated Penguin Books with classic literature. I have no idea why, especially since they are one of the biggest publishing houses in America and publish ridiculous amounts of books every year, but I have. So, naturally, when I saw Your House is on Fire, Your Children are Gone  by Stefan Kiesbye, I was intrigued. "A classic horror novel?" I though to myself, "This has GOTTA be good!"

To my dismay, this book is neither a classic, nor is it really a novel. At most, it is a collection of short stories that are linked to each other. Each chapter is narrated either by Christian, Anke, Linde, or Martin, and each chapter tells another moment in their lives. The moments often coincide, but they do not tell a singular plot that could be traced from beginning to end. To be honest, this was a disappointment for me. I personally am not a huge fan of short stories because I want to have time to sit down and read each individual one, not sit down and read five or six at a time. I feel like, when I rocket through many stories, I begin to become desensitized to the plot because I'm watching a thousand mini-plots zoom by at lightning speeds! It's just too much for me!

On top of that, this book is not advertised as a short story, or a collection of related narratives that don't tell one singular story. This led to some SERIOUS confusion on my part. For the first 50 pages, I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I expected a single story, not a thousand little ones, so I read it believing that I would find a single plot line. I didn't even expect the characters to change each chapter, so I couldn't really tell what was going on for a REALLY long time. By the time I did figure it out, I was already frustrated with the book. This is a really frustrating problem for me, because it has nothing to do with the author or his writing style, it has to do with the way the book was marketed. If Penguin Books had described this as an anthology or a collection of related stories or memories, I would've enjoyed the book more (but maybe not much more).

Other than some serious marketing issues, this book was fairly confusing. I can't really give you a summary because it's a bunch of stories and I'm way to lazy to tell you about every individual chapter, but I will talk about more technical issues than issues of plot for your convenience.  Let's start with the narrators.

I hated all the narrators. All. Of. Them. Don't get me wrong, as characters in a horror collection they were fantastic! They were creepy as hell, murderous, and totally okay with doing some really fucked up stuff. My real issue is the fact that EVERY CHARACTER SOUNDS THE SAME! The only way to know who the narrator was for each chapter was to go to the first page of the chapter and find their name as the title of the chapter. This lack of voice caused me to be really confused and to read the book assuming that there was only one narrator because there was nothing telling me the narrators were different (except, of course, the name that was used for a chapter title. Guess I'm not super observant). When I did realize my mistake, I found myself having to flip back to the chapter title to see who was narrating because, otherwise, I could not figure out who it was.

Each narrator had a family and a background (which is good) but I honestly am not clear on any of their backgrounds (which is bad). This is due, in part, to the number of narrators. I can't remember how many siblings (if any) Linde has because I'm too busy trying to remember what all these narrators are doing. Kiesbye's writing style also made it difficult because he is not a fan of blatantly stating anything about his narrators. While normally this is juvenile (unless done well), it is very hard to have a story about many narrators and still not say something like "I have five sisters" and then name them all so I can figure out what the hell is going on.

Not all of my feedback is negative though! I did like the stories a lot, and I love how ambiguous the time period was. I know that the town, called Devil's Moor in German, is in Germany, but I couldn't figure out what time period it took place in. There were cars, but you travelled everywhere by boat. There was limos, but no electricity or phones. It seemed as if the town existed outside of time, completely isolated from the rest of the world, giving it an impossible-to-escape vibe. I loved it. It made each story way creepier and the reader was more disoriented. Honestly, I think the time ambiguity really saved the book.

Alright, let's break it down:

The Good:

• Time Ambiguity
• Creepy AF
• Characters have no morals
• Town is hella creepy
• Short

The Bad:

• Marketing insinuated this was a novel, not a collection of short stories
• Stories not connected enough
• Characters have vague backgrounds
• Hard to keep track of all the characters
• Confusing at times
• Narrators have no voices
• At times, the book is boring

Now, let's see the review! Drumroll please!

I give this book,

1.5 Pizza slices! I couldn't decide between 1 and 2, so I split the difference. In the end, the book was too confusing, too boring, and the narrators just weren't written well enough. If Penguin Books ever changes how they market this book, I'll bump it up a full slice. (Yes, I did edit this photo of two pizza slices. No, I don't have photoshop. It turned out super realistic XD).

How to Set a Fire Because of This Book

Last week, at the same time that I picked out the book The Long Walk, I wandered past a book called How to Set a Fire and Why. It caught my eye because, on the spine of the book, there is a classic matchbook strike plate. When I was younger, I used to visit my grandfather’s house every day after Kindergarten and, being an avid smoker, he had thousands of matchboxes lying around. I always wanted to light a match, but I never did. Instead, I would run my fingernails over the strike plate as if it were a nail file. I remember pretending that my fingers were matches and that I was setting the house on fire, not just shaving down my nail. The spine of this book reminded me of my childhood, so I decided to check it out. 

The book, written by Jesse Ball is about Lucia, a young teenage girl who’s mother is in an insane asylum and who’s father was murdered (presumably by her mother). Lucia lives with her aunt in a garage that has been converted to a small house. Her aunt is very old and does not have a job, so they both live very meagerly. 

Okay, this is the part where spoilers come into play, so get ready!

**********SPOILERS AHEAD!**********

The book begins with Lucia having stabbed a boy in the neck with a pencil. He touched her father’s lighter, which she always keeps in her pocket and tells no one to ever touch, and she instantly wishes that she had stabbed him deeper. For very obvious reasons, she is kicked out of school and forced to move to a new school. It is not the first time she’s been expelled, so she’s fairly used to the drill. This is where my first grievance comes in: Lucia’s aunt is not angry with her niece. She does not chastise Lucia for stabbing someone IN THE THROAT! Hell, she even seems to be proud of her niece. I get that both Lucia’s father and aunt were supposed to be somewhat anarchist, but even an anarchist would not condone a throat-stabbing! Especially not from their own kid (or niece)! The part that really gets me is that Lucia claims that she understands what rules are and that she is mindful of them, but I can’t think of a single time she was actually a rule-abiding person. She mostly just steals, burns shit, gets high, gets drunk, or stabs people in the throat. 

Anyway, in her new school, she turns in a really great paper, blah blah blah, and she hears about a club called the Sonar Club. Sonar, fun fact, is an anagram for Arson. She hears this from a guy who obviously has a crush on her, seems like an important character, and then really doesn’t impact the plot at all. This boy, however, introduces Lucia to the actual leader of the real Arson club (which isn’t at the high school? And there are meetings maybe? I don’t really understand how this club works tbh). The leader is a boy named Jan (I had Office flashbacks too). It seemed like there was going to be a thing with Lucia and Jan, but there wasn’t. Personally, I’m glad that there wasn’t because holy shit this book was hella angsty to begin with, and it DID NOT need a romance subplot, so props to Jesse Ball! 

Jan invites Lucia to be the lookout while he lights a building on fire. She loves it, and she is immediately entered into the Arson club (even though it’s maybe not even really a club?). By now, Lucia has met Lana. Lana is her best friend, and she is just as dysfunctional as Lucia. Not much more to say about that because the two characters are basically copies and Lana’s character is really forgettable. 

Lucia’s aunt has a stroke and goes to the hospital. She comes home, but dies shortly after. In between the hospital visit and coming home, Lucia is invited by her amazing teacher to test for a totally free boarding school. The test questions are HELLA vague (like “why Hitler?” ) and one isn’t even a question (“Tell me a joke.”), but Lucia passes and is accepted. Her aunt is glad because she wasn’t really sure what was going to happen to Lucia after her death. What does happen is not AT ALL what her aunt had in mind. Lucia sees that her aunt’s most prized possession, her wedding dress and her husband’s tux (which were never mentioned up until this point) were missing. She suspects the landlord because the landlord hates her. She goes to see the landlord and, lo and behold, the landlord has the dress and the tux. He then calls the cops, and it turns out that he had already called in a warning for Lucia and her aunt in case the aunt died, so Lucia is now homeless. She goes to school the next day, and the principal says that he knows about the crime committed and will make Lucia’s life Hell if she doesn’t drop out of school, so she drops out (which I think is fair. She never really liked school, and she really went for her aunt’s sake.) The principal had called the boarding school that accepted her, and they rebuked their acceptance. Lucia has nothing left, so she, Jan, and Lana decide to burn the landlord’s house down. 

Lucia’s final chapter is just a prediction of what will happen. She wants to burn down the house, and then she wants to leave town and never return. Her biggest fear is not about getting caught, but that (in her absence) her mother will suddenly become lucid and will cry out for her daughter, but Lucia will never return to see her mother again. And that’s the end. 

**********SPOILERS OVER**********

Alright, list time:

The good:

The plot is mildly interesting. While the tone can be very depressing, it is interesting to watch Lucia ruin her life further, but it is only interesting in the same way watching a car crash is interesting. 

Lucia’s aunt, despite being a terrible guardian (by literally letting Lucia get away with whatever the fuck she wants) is actually a really sweet character, and I really enjoyed her. 

It is alluded that Lucia has a blacklist of people that she wants to kill. Weirdly enough, this was a plus. She, for only a moment, because a character that wasn’t just super crazy angsty, but that had some actual bite behind her bark. The fire she sets at the end provided this as well. Lucia is also an unwilling narrator, which is not often seen in novels. I personally enjoyed that, because it helped characterize Lucia more. 

Finally, an orthodox church is mentioned! As an Eastern Orthodox Christian myself, that was very exiting. You don’t see many of those in the literary world (unless if you live in Russia or and Eastern European country, in which you see it all the time). 

Now for the part I love (The Bad):

At first, I thought Lucia was mentally challenged like the boy in The Case of the Dog in the Nighttime (Amazon link), but over time I began to realize that she isn’t actually mentally challenged, but that the author wrote her in a way that seemed awkward. Take this quote for example:

“Drunk means: you can understand what they are doing and why and you don’t have to fear them as much as when you wonder what they want,” (Ball 138).

Throughout the whole novel, Lucia speaks in a very choppy and matter-of-fact way that is highly reminiscent of The Case of the Do gin the Nighttime, but I began to realize that this is not actually intentional, and that it was almost a mistake as it was highly distracting and impeded on my ability to pay attention on the plot. I was so busy trying to diagnose Lucia that I couldn’t pay attention to what she was actually talking about! Lucia is also S U P E R angsty. I get that having your mother locked up in a mental hospital and your father die is very traumatic, but wow Lucia was your typical YA novel teen (especially with that SUPER tragic backstory and not a single good thing ever happening to her). Seriously, there was so little development with her that I almost thought this was a poorly written YA novel (I ended up googling it and it isn’t actually a YA novel). Lucia’s voice was so dry, detached, and angsty that the plot seemed boring. if you were to write down just the plot, it would seem incredibly interesting and full of deep emotions, but Lucia’s character actually prevented this, which is never a good thing. 

Finally, the ending was just awful. It was so dull, and it didn’t actually say what happened. It gave Lucia’s prediction and then left it at that, and not in a cliffhanger-y sort of way, but more of a wow-I-wasted-all-this-time-for-nothing sort of way. That isn’t to say that I hated the book itself, just the ending. 

Now, of the moment you’ve all been waiting for…

MY RATING! 

I give this book: 

Two Pizza Slices!

The book was fairly average. I finished it, but I don’t think that I will remember any of it in a week or so. It was just another book in a long line of books, and that is mostly because Lucia was a terrible character and prevented the book from being awesome. So, read this book if you’ve got time to kill, but it isn’t going to be groundbreaking. 

Join us next Wednesday at Noon for my next book, and be sure to comment any book recommendations you have!

The Long (But Incredible) Walk

Once again, I found myself at the Community library (quite disappointed with my last choice, $10,000,000 Marriage Proposal) when I happened past the Stephen King section, seeing a book mis-shelved. A book by Richard Bachman had been shelved in King's section. Confused, I picked up the book, only to find that Stephen King had a secret alias that I had never heard of! You could not believe my elation! It was as if I had uncovered a secret gem, despite the fact that this alias was actually a well known fact. Then I noticed something else. The title of this book was called The Long Walk. I picked it up, mostly because I have a habit of reading while taking long walks, or pacing around my house. Ever since I bought a Fitbit (or rather, ever since I allowed my Fitbit to take over my life) I have become a slave to getting more steps, so I began walking while reading to increase my step count (I know, I know, it's super weird). For these highly superficial reasons, I decided to check out this book.

Let me say, I never once regretted it.

Before I begin, I want to tell you something. One of my favorite parts of this book did not actually take place in the real book. You see, Stephen King wrote an introduction to this book and, while I rarely actually read introductions, it was eye-opening. He spoke about how much he loved having his alias. He imagined a whole life for Richard Bachman, living on a farm with a loving wife. But then, when the media revealed that Bachman was King, he died.  King wrote of a longing for his old alias, just as one would mourn a lost friend. It was a heartbreaking introduction that was also incredibly sweet, but it also got me thinking about the differences between King's writing and Bachman's writing. The truth is, their styles aren't very different, but King is more restrained by his fame, and Bachman has the freedom that comes with a smaller audience and fewer critiques. I love King, but his books are more mainstream horror, and Bachman is more literary. His plots may not be as flashy and quick as It, Carrie, or The Shining, but he makes up for this immensely by writing something that will certainly be hailed as literature, something that will withstand the ages because it is so incredibly deep and fulfilling. God dammit, this book will change the way you see the world! It's AMAZING!

Unlike last time, I'm going to do my best here to prevent spoilers because, DAMN THIS BOOK IS GOOD! It would be immoral of me to spoil any word written. So, let me give you a skeleton of the plot:

Every year, 100 boys apply to be in a walking competition. The premise of this competition is simply: walk for as long as you can, and try to out walk the other 99 boys. Each boy gets 3 warnings, and warnings can be given for stopping or walking slower than 4 miles per hour. After a boy is given his third warning, he is shot and killed. The only way to win is to survive the longest.

This book takes place in a dystopian society, but King (Or rather, Bachman) doesn't outright tell the reader any real facts. Slowly, and mostly by reading in between the lines, the reader comes to understand that the US government (which now has 51 states) is ruled by a man named Major. The military seems to be controlled and any attempt to say anything bad about the Long Walk or the government in general leads to you getting "squadded," which is basically taken hostage by the government and (presumably) killed.  I actually really love the way King/Bachman builds this world in such a subtle way, because it reads less like the Hunger Games (don't get me wrong, I love dystopian fiction) and more like actual literature.

The main character in this book is a boy named Ray Garraty.  Garraty is 16 years old, and his father was squadded. His mom is old and seems feeble, but is only really mentioned twice. Garraty has a girlfriend, Jen. Garraty has no real stated motivation to be on this walk, but somehow this doesn't detract from the novel. On the other hand, it adds so much more to the story. By withholding (or just straight up not having) his motivation for undertaking such a serious and deadly, the real reason for the walk is revealed. This book is highly existential, and Garraty begins to realize that he is not in this walk for any reason at all. He has no reason to continue, except to escape death, which creates an existentialist outlook that is highly reminiscent of Albert Camus' The Stranger. It has the same strange detached horror that follows death, the same oddly disconnected character who is surrounded by death, and the same lack of ambition or drive characteristic of existentialism. This work is truly masterful because, unlike Camus' The Stranger, it is a more more interesting read. Garraty begins as a somewhat normal person, someone who is afraid of death and who is horrified by death, but this walk morphs him into an aimless person who is merely escaping death and walking only because there are no other options. Walking despite the prize of the fulfillment of any wish, as opposed to walking towards it.

I also love how Bachman (and also King) have characters that, at times, almost seem very mature, as if they were adults, but then they use phrases like "low-key" (yeah, I think King invented the phrase Low-key, so that's pretty lit) or "whore," and suddenly you realize (with horror) that these are just KIDS! Ugh, it's so well done! And don't even get me started on Stebbins! He is this enigma of a character, highly reminiscent of Tiresias in Oedipus Rex. He seems to know exactly what is happening and why. He knows the truth, he IS the truth, but slowly even this was worn away. By the end of the walk, he is just another pathetic, meaningless kid. It's heartbreaking, but it couldn't have happened any other way.

Finally, the conclusion. Now, I won't spoil what actually happens (oh, boo-hoo. Quit crying and read the book XD), but I will tell you that, at first, I was not satisfied. It bothered me. It felt... undone, like a rope that is well-made, but frayed at the edges. But then, over time, I began to realize that there is no other way this book could've ended, even if Bachman had wanted it to change or be brighter. No, the ending had to be like this. It was perfect. Existentialistic, but perfect.

Okay, okay, I've talked long enough! Why don't I tell you the rating?

I rated this book:



One delicious, whole, fresh-out-of-the-oven, fire-roasted personal pizza. Yup, that's right, that whole damn pizza is just for you. This book is as good as this super delicious pizza probably was. That's how you know it's super good. Seriously, this is a MUST READ! If you love books, you oughta read this one because, holy cow! it's amazing!!!!!

Alright, that's all for this week. I'll see you next Wednesday when I review some TBD book!

$10,000,000 Marriage Flop

I want to preface this post by saying that I have never read a James Patterson novel to completion. I have tried to read Zoo multiple times, as well as the first book of the Alex Cross series (Along Came a Spider) and his Maximum Ride series (The Angel Experiment), but he never really hooked me. Personally, I feel like he spends so much time cranking out book after book that he hasn't really had the time to ensure actual quality in his work. Also, looking through the list of books he has published, he hasn't quite found HIS genre. He writes everything from Thrillers to trashy romance for adults to comedic YA. While many readers, especially teens looking for an ultra-dramatic read, enjoy his books, I find them tedious, not well thought out, and written solely for the purpose of monetary gain. If you are a lover of his, perhaps this post is not for you.

The other day I was perusing my local community library (WOO!! COMMUNITY LIBRARIES!!!) when a particular James Patterson book caught my eye. Now, I've always associated him with thriller novels, probably because the books that I've started of his were all Thriller novels, so I was very intrigued when I saw The $10,000,000 Marriage Proposal  by James Patterson. This particular book is one of Patterson's line of "BookShots," books that are under 5 USD and less than 150 pages. The particular copy I had was only 117 pages, so I figured that I had nothing to lose. It's a pretty quick read, so it can't possibly be that bad, right? Well, boy was I wrong.

Before I bash the book too hard, let me give you some plot. Quick warning, there are SPOILERS AHEAD, so if you wish to read this book, watch out! (Don't worry, I'll tell you when the spoilers are over so you can uncover your eyes).

*********SPOILERS************

This book is about three women, Suze, Caroline, and Janey. None of these women have found love, and they are all fairly young and beautiful. Caroline is a humanitarian that works with children who have either been abandoned or are just need help (the book really is unclear), and she is currently living with her mother after her roommate kicked her out after getting engaged. Caroline's mother is a piece of work, having forced her daughter into multiple beauty pageants and acting auditions for much of her childhood. Caroline has a sister. I originally though this sister was very young (7-10) years old, but as the novella progresses, she seems to be older (maybe early teens) but it is difficult to tell. Suze and Janey are practically indistinguishable to the reader. They both work in prestigious jobs (Janey reads through scripts and proposes them to her network that has a super cheesy name like Flowerpot, and Suze is in the tech field? She funds technological projects? She invests in technology? Honestly, I'm not really sure what she does.) Both women are financially stable, and the only real difference is that Janey is a touch warmer, and she lost her job but quickly found a new one THE VERY NEXT DAY (if only this were realistic!).

At some point, all three of these women see a giant poster board on the side of the highway that reads:

"Will you marry me for $10,000,000?  

I am a creative, open-minded businessman with limited time and desire to play the field. This is a serious proposal."

The three women eventually enter the competition at the Staples Center and fill out a questionnaire. All three women advance to be interviewed, and then are invite to the mystery man's giant mansion. Okay, let's take a quick minute here: these women just signed up to marry a man with a ton of money without meeting him first, and with VERY LITTLE actual regard for their safety. What the actual fuck? Why? Why are they doing this? Two of them already have enough money, so only really Caroline is in it for the money. They claim that it's because of curiosity, but who the hell is so curious that they would join a weird contest for marriage? I get going to the Staples Center for the first stage. I would do the same thing out of curiosity. Besides, it's a harmless questionnaire with minimal personal information, who wouldn't be fine with this? The next stage is also fairly harmless. Just a nice little interview, kinda like a job interview. It's the last stage that REALLY gets to me. A limo pulls up to your house at ten pm, and tell you to get in. Do you get in? Of course not! Yet all three girls go in, with only one (Suze) having attempted to investigate the man behind this. She, of course, discovers nothing, BUT SHE STILL GETS IN THE DAMN CAR! What the heck is wrong with these women? If someone, I don't care how rich he is, that you have never met before sends a limo to take you to his creepy ass mansion (any mansion that you don't have the address of is instantly a creepy ass mansion).

Of course, nothing bad happens at the mansion. Instead, each girl meets two different "filters" (men that interview the women and pass on information to the actual millionaire who's identity is still not revealed) and then they go home. They are even given really fancy parting gifts, like diamond earrings and expensive watches. In the limo home, the girls meet each other and, despite the competition for the $10,000,000 dollars, they become fast friends.

Ugh. Literally, two thirds of this group come from really competitive fields. They should know that competition does not breed friendship! Seriously, this is so incredibly unrealistic that it makes me want to stab my eyes out a little. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Okay, rant over back to the plot.

Later that day, all three girls get rejection letters. One of them fights the letter (Either Suze or Janey - I honestly can't tell them apart) and are invited to his big shot company (think google but waaaay more ambiguous because I have no idea what this company actually does)  for answers. Caroline is also invited for reasons that make no sense and are not addressed. Finally, Caroline meets the millionaire! And she is immediately stricken by him (surprise, surprise) and they decide to persue a relationship DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE ACTUALLY JUST REJECTED HER IN A LETTER AND CREEPILY BROUGHT HER TO HIS MANSION WITHOUT ACTUALLY MEETING HIM THERE!

**********SPOILERS OVER**********

Okay, so let's start with the good:

This book is very, very short. It's a great read for after finals (which is actually why I got it) because it's crazy fast and it requires literally zero thought.

It's interesting enough because the idea would make for an EPIC reality show (with a few moderations of course as very few women would turn down a man offering $10,000,000 just to marry him after selecting her from millions as the chosen one, and also being the perfect Prince Charming. I suggest a bachelor-esque show where the final woman has to choose between the man and an obscene amount of cash. If this ever happens, I call 10% of the profits!).

Now for the bad:

The characters are so cliched that I almost died. You have the classic callous-but-successful girl, the kinda-ditsy-but-also-successful-Hollywood type, the mysterious-but-super-rich man, and the sugary sweet-perfect-humanitarian-without-money girl who ends up getting the guy.

It's so predictable. Honestly, I picked up the book and I knew who was going to get the guy.

There is ZERO character development. Zero.

 It's seriously the cheesiest romance novel ever. It was probably written in a total of a week, and the plot is downright pathetic. My seven year old sister tells me stories all the time that are WAY more interesting than this book.

The results?

This book was poorly written and was incredibly boring. It's only saving grace was that it was short, so the pain was not protracted as it could have been.

I give it:



One crappy pizza slice on a lame old paper plate. I would've given it none if it had been longer, but I appreciate the brevity.

Alright, that's all for now! Tune in next time when I review Stephen King's (actually Richard Bachman's) The Long Walk.